The holidays are upon us and that can only mean one thing: it’s time for the bearded guy in the red suit. It doesn’t matter if you believe or not, chances are you’ve probably heard all the same stories about the legendary patron saint of gift giving. But, do you really know Santa? Probably not; but then again who really does? Allow me to introduce to you yet another version of the world famous Santa Claus; the surprisingly normal guy with an abnormal job….and questionable morality, at times.
He has “shady” acquaintances.
Ever heard of the legend of Krampus? It’s a story that dates all the way back to the 17th century in the Alpine countries in Europe. Legend has it that when Santa would go out to deliver toys to good boys and girls, Krampus (his demonic looking acquaintance) would accompany him to antagonize and punish bad boys and girls. I wonder if that old saying applies here: you are the company you keep. Asked and answered.
He breaks child labor laws….sort of.
Santa may get all the credit, but the truth is, he doesn’t do it all by himself. He has a village of elves that help him with the toy making, delivery schedules, etc. The only problem with that is the elves are an underage workforce. Unfortunately for the elves, there are no child labor laws at the North Pole, so Santa gets off scot-free. Even so, shame on Santa!
He’s a thief and a drunk.
I hate to break it to you, but the bearded guy is a sloppy drunk. Call it the stress of the holidays or just plain old “can’t hold your liquor,” but it could be one of the reasons you never got that toy you wanted when you were ten years old, because Santa was too drunk and forgot to deliver it to you. On the bright side, at least now you know who drank all of your parent’s wine that mysteriously disappeared!
His favorite reindeer isn’t Rudolph.
“Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight!” Catchy line, but the truth is Rudolph isn’t Santa’s favorite after all. It was a corporate decision made by the board of directors at the North Pole. They thought it best to use Rudolph because of his obvious red nose. Kids would respond to that. The only reason Santa went along with the idea was because he was convinced that it was good for business and he got quite a few kickbacks from Macy’s, which sweetened the deal. I think I heard somewhere that Vixen was actually his favorite. I’m not really sure what that’s all about.
He hates Christmas music.
Every year, Santa cringes at the sound of holiday music from the minute the month of December rolls around. Turns out, Santa is not a fan of Jingle Bells (not even the Batman version) or Deck the Halls. He actually prefers the heavy metal like Rob Zombie and Metallica over the mellow holiday crooning of Nat King Cole and Bing Crosby. Rock on, Santa!