I grew up during that sweet spot of video gaming in the late eighties and early nineties, known now as “Where Did the Time Go?”, and since “No Child Left Behind” wasn’t yet a thing, I was left behind in school. This meant that I had to educate myself with the likes of Sesame Street ABC as an English class, Donkey Kong Jr. Math for an arithmetic class, and Mario is Missing for Geography. As a ten year old, I asked myself “when was I ever going to use English, Arithmetic, or Geography out in the real world?” After this epiphany, I introduced myself to an array of “real world” education games, and doors were suddenly open for me. Speaking of “open doors”…
1) Entering Unlocked Doors, or How I Ended Up in Prison
As any fan of role playing games would tell you, an unlocked door is a welcome invitation for anyone to come inside and start rummaging through drawers, closets, and flower pots for gil, potions, and jewelry. It took a while for me to find one, but I did eventually find the welcoming unlocked door in my neighborhood. Unfortunately, after I went through all of the drawers, closets, and couch cushions, I had found nothing (which leads me to believe some adventurer got there before me). My stamina felt a little low after all of that attempted looting, so I decided to rest and recharge in the master bedroom. This resulted in my first stint in prison. I was charged with breaking and entering, in spite of the fact that not one thing was broken.
2) Turn Based Fighting, or How I Got My Ruptured Spleen
During my stay in prison, I had some time to think about what I had done, and came to the conclusion that the owners of the house in question probably forgot to lock their front door. So deep down, the situation that I was in was definitely their fault and not my video game educators. While in prison, I decided to apply my learning to everyday activities, including my thirty minutes out in the yard. I wasn’t really a fan of action-RPGs, as I preferred the traditional turn-based strategy to the hack and slash. When I had somehow slighted Rhino, my muscle-bound cellmate, I knew a boss battle was about to happen. I sized him up and knew that I wouldn’t be able to beat him with brute force, his defense was out of this world. Before I got to plan my attack, he had me pinned to the ground pummeling me repeatedly without giving me a turn. What a cheater.
3) Hanging Out in Sewer Pipes, or How I Got Pink Eye
Three weeks later, I came to in the infirmary and was released back to a different cell, in order to avoid a second boss battle. My new cellmate was a lot nicer than Rhino, even going so far as to offer me protection. Rhino and I no longer shared yard time, so I didn’t have to worry about a random encounter with him. I finally got to relax, breathe, and stop looking over my shoulder. When I returned to my cell, I found the toilet ripped out of the floor and lying on bed, contents and all. I knew it was time to escape, and my method was pretty much gifted to me by Rhino. The sewer pipes were the answer. At first, I just stood on the pipe and crouched down, but it didn’t work. That’s when I decided it was time to go head first. I must have done something wrong, or used the wrong pipe because instead of transporting myself through it, I just got my head stuck for approximately thirteen hours. The doctor in the infirmary said it was the worst case of double conjunctivitis that he had ever seen.
4) Looting Corpses, or How I Ended Up Back in Prison
For my remaining time in prison, I was kept in, what the warden referred to as, a safe place, and was eventually released on good behavior. I was a free man, and I had video games to thank. I was only in prison for about a year, but the world outside had changed. I couldn’t get a job; doors were locked everywhere that I went, and eating random mushrooms stopped seeming like a great idea. I was broke, homeless, and hungry. I knew my best option was the local morgue. If I learned anything, it was that dead bodies had some decent loot, but yet again I was arrested for doing absolutely NOTHING wrong. In hindsight, maybe the bodies drop the loot; I was never fully clear on that whole situation. Oh well, I’ll figure it out in three to six.